


list of quicklegion dialogue

by josalin4



Category: Legion (TV), X-Men (Movieverse), X-Men - All Media Types
Genre: M/M, they wildin or whateva
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-25
Updated: 2019-09-02
Packaged: 2020-09-26 05:26:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20384398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/josalin4/pseuds/josalin4
Summary: just some random dialogue between dave and pete (maybe other characters also)❗️includes swearing❗️





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thirsty stans](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=thirsty+stans).

david, high out of his mind: i smoked peters ass for dinner  
peter: what

david: i have 100% iq  
peter: my iq test came back negative  
(this goes both ways honestly)

peter: can’t wear my watch in the shower because it’ll get too cold  
(this also goes both ways LOL)

peter: just texted my mom, not to flex or anything  
david: ...did you tell her you love her?

david: you always win rock paper scissors if you just beat the other person up

peter: if i put a water bottle up to my ear can i hear the ocean?  
david: if i put the all new KFCxCheeto chicken sandwich for only $5.39 up to my ear can i hear the collective of everybody going “wtf is that?!”

david: i’m over this dumbass school with all these fake ass people  
scott: hey!  
david: hey!  
david: fucking bitch

david: life’s a beach, you know, like swimming  
peter: very informative, babe

david: did you know that one in ten people  
david: *gets distracted*  
peter: don't finish their sentences  
(goes both ways again)

peter: what?  
david: your wig  
peter: my hair IS NOT a wig  
david: it’s okay, i don’t care  
peter: it’s nOT A WIG!

david: *trying to explain something*  
peter: *is laughing*  
david, smiling: hehe SHUT UP! shut up.  
peter, still crying of laughter: i’M TRyiNg

peter: i showed david a video of a bat eating a banana earlier-  
david: that was a dog  
peter: he said it was a dog  
david: it was a dog!  
peter: it’s a bat!  
david: it was NOT A BAT  
peter: its a bat.  
david: how could- how couLD IT BE A BAT IF IT WAS A DOG?

peter: i so desperately wanna hop in here and just do everything a million miles an hour  
david: yeah, how many times have we gone to the emergency room because you’re so fast?  
peter: only- only twice! ...probably  
david: how many times have things caught on fire?  
peter, clearly offended: HUH? ZERO!  
david, with a wtf look on his face:  
peter: one..... like twice

david: i can’t believe that bacteria would just intrude my body without my permission. that makes me sick.  
charles: it does make you sick, literally.  
david: ha ha ha! you’re right! i should’ve made this into a joke!

peter: the best kinds of laughter are when your laugh gets silent and you’re sitting there clapping like a fucking seal, or when you feel a six pack coming up, or when there’s tears coming out of your eyes.  
david: you know you’re screwed when it’s a combination of all three  
(headcanon that peter is the only one to make david die of laughter)


	2. Chapter 2

peter: on the bright side i am not addicted to crack cocaine  
david: on the down side i am too poor to afford one  
lorna: ...one crack cocaine  
ruth: hi, yes, i would like to purchase one crack cocaine  
laura: is that gonna be debit or credit?  
david: actually, i have a gift card

david: one time i tried to say dumbass and asshole at the same time and i said dumbhole  
lorna: ooh that’s good, i’m going to use that for when i can’t cuss  
david: or you could flip it and say “assass”  
lorna: no

peter: david talks in his sleep sometimes, it’s adorable  
david, sleeping: DAMMIT NOT THE FRYING PAN!

peter: i’m not trying to be rude but... you died  
david: yeah, i know, i was there

david: great, so where do we buy some?  
peter: can’t, says they’re only available in south ah-mer-ee-ca  
david:  
peter: ...what?  
david: south.. aMERICA!  
peter: oh

david: wait! we can’t sleep together! laura could come in here and superglue our butts together!!  
peter: wait... do you mean my butt to your butt, or our individual butts...?

peter: you know, i’m a sucker for blue eyes  
david: well, lucky for you, i got two of them

peter: i think lorna is trying to steal my boyfriend  
kurt: why?  
peter: we were cuddling on the couch and then she basically pushes me over and lays next to him  
kurt: isn’t lorna two years old?

(standing around a broken coffee machine)  
charles: who broke it? i’m not mad, i just want to know  
laura: i did. i broke it.  
charles: no. no you didn’t. peter?  
peter: don’t look at me, look at david.  
david: what? i didn’t break it!  
peter: huh, that’s weird, how’d you even know it was broken?  
david: because it’s sitting right in front of us and it’s broken...  
peter: suspicious.  
david: no, it’s not.  
lorna: if it matters, probably not, but wanda was the last one to use it.  
wanda: liar! i don’t even drink that crap!  
lorna: oh really? then what were you doing at the coffee machine earlier?  
laura: stop, i broke it, just let me pay for a new one.  
charles: no, who broke it?  
everyone:  
peter, pointing to erik: he’s been awfully quiet  
erik: oh, really?!  
peter: yeah, really!  
(everyone starts arguing)  
charles, quietly, to himself: i broke it. i burned my hand so i punched it.  
(family arguments🥰🥰)


	3. Chapter 3

david: peter and i have— i don’t know how we decided but we just decided that we were going to watch every nic cage movie ever made, so every night, before we go to bed, we turn one on, and they’re so fucking bad!

peter, running into david: ooooh where’s my lunchbox? i just found a snack!  
david: get out of my way

david: do i get a foot massage at the end?  
peter: no  
david: do i get a leg massage at the end?  
peter: no  
david: do i get a butt massage at the end?  
peter: no!  
david: ...why am i here? when is being a good sport going to start benefiting me?  
(goes both ways)

david: i can’t— how the fuck would else do? hoW ELSE DO DO YOU?  
(goes both ways)

peter, on a computer: look, i wrote a note  
the note: this fu ckking sucks  
(goes both ways)

peter and david, reading things they wrote as children  
peter: i have a new pokémon collectors item book. it is really really special! very— very special!  
david: why don’t you just for one second, spell how you wrote special there  
peter: okay, it is really really speacsail. then the second time it was speciseail  
david: *starts dying of laughter*

david: don’t even get me started— don’T EVeN gEt ME STARTED on waiters who insist on taking your order by memory and then meSSING IT UP! WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO PROVE?! okay, i get it, you’re trying to come off as the slick waiter who knows the menu very well, who wants to be personable and have a fun conversation. “i don’t need no note pad! i got this right here! i trust this note pad! points to head.” oh! we have a table full of 12 people, who all have very strict orders and some have dietary restrictions? nO PROBLEM! i’m just going to BUTCHER it all back in the kitchen and then bring you some other shit and then ruin everyone’s night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you hadn’t realized, the dialogue from this chapter is all from jenna marbles and julien solomita:)


	4. Chapter 4

peter: how old are you, david?  
david: uh-huh  
peter: how old are you?  
david: uh-huh

erik: you have a new nephew. born about 9:30. 7lbs, 12oz. to be named tomorrow.  
peter: tomorrow is a really stupid name for a baby.

david: why don’t babies just fucking grow up

peter: i like your personality  
david: thanks, it’s a disorder

david: in improv class we had to come up with a kinda neutral statement for someone to respond to and peter just came up to me and said “hey, did you hear they stopped making socks?” and i just lost it. why would they just stop making socks? i wanna explore that world.

david: when i was a kid, i asked my dad where babies came from and he said something like “your mom had a stomachache and went to the bathroom then came out with you” and i feel like that’s his way of calling me a piece of shit

peter: *is bored for 0.5 seconds*  
peter: i wanna learn how to work wood. i need to build a boat.

peter: i sincerely apologize for making shirts that said “fuck obama” on it in japanese. how was i supposed to know what it said?

david: been thinking long and hard about what obama’s last name is  
peter: obama obama  
david: holy shit

david, fast asleep on top of peter: sometimes i’m tired of being nice. one day your femur will be mine.

peter, singing: double bubble disco queen headed to the guillotine  
peter, singing: skin as cool as rasputin, russia’s greatest love machine

peter: i have most definitely pulled a muscle in my calf. i cannot walk and i will have to be put down

peter: my brain is like a circle  
david: pointless?

david: baby, what are you doing?  
peter: swag!

david: oh my god i’m CRACKED  
peter @ laura: i can’t tell if he just took crack or if he cracked his bones for the first time, whichever it is, good shit!

david: what am i? I’M GAYYYY! no, just kidding, i’m straight i’m straight i’m as straight as my finger  
david: *holds up his finger and stares at it, then bends it as much as he can*

peter: my brain is moving 🏎it's going going going ⚡️⚡️⚡️im stimulated ⚡️im stimulated💥💥💥 it moves like a sailboat 🌊with an engine 🚣♀️a normal boat 🛥🛥my brain🚀🚀🚀 my brain my brain⚡️⚡️ this is energy💥💥💥 brain moves like a car im stimulated 📈


End file.
